Our 25th anniversary is coming up. Sometimes when I reflect, I get so flooded with joy it takes my breath away. The family we built is remarkable to Steve and me. How did we come to be so lucky?
Adrienne just graduated, returned home, and is working in her field. Addison has a few brainy scholarships to study at the university next fall. Our businesses are doing well, even in this economy, and we are still in love. The kids (young adults) actually like spending time with us, they are best friends with one another, they love Jesus, and they love their lives as much as we do.
Of course, we arrived here by the grace of God. I write to capture moments when a person, a scripture, a book, or a mounting feeling caused us to change course in an impactful way. Here is what those collective pivotal moments led us to:
First, we decided what our family culture would be, even through mistakes. What we see today was built with purpose, not passivity. Our faith in Jesus compels us to live with wholehearted intentionality. When I read the Bible, I never see God as passive in His role as a Father or a leader. Our life scripture comes from Isaiah 61: “They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor.”
In 1 Corinthians 3, Paul references builders as an analogy for our life’s work. “Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames.
We can determine what kind of family we will inhabit: Escaping Through the Flames or Oaks of Righteousness. Jesus will love us regardless, but there is a better way.
We are filled with the Spirit of Holiness so that what we do in the strength of God results in praise, glory, and honor to Him. This is not merely a blessed outcome of serving Jesus; it is a mandate on our lives. Saying I love God and attending church with my family is still passive unless it is accompanied by something deeper. Building a relationship with God is a daily action sequence. It becomes visible in our lives, just as it does with exercise: muscles reveal what someone has consistently prioritized.
What self-directed habits have we formed because Jesus is very important?
Another key in our family culture is building our relationships—a daily decision to prioritize time together, because this is ours to build and no one else can do it for us. It is simple when children are small. As their independence and commitments expanded, prioritizing family time grew more intentional. They have so much they need and want to share with us if we will carve out time. We start early by treating them like the most important people in our lives. The activity or place is just a means to keep those lines of communication open.
Adrienne and Addison watched us reject opportunities that would have pulled us away from family time. We left a high control church that wanted all our free time. We turned down clients that would have paid well. Why? Because we have a different purpose. As they grew older and busier, they responded in kind.
Do you know why our kids share our love for Jesus and for each other? Because we actively demonstrate our love for them, as the Lord does for us. It is remarkably simple. Yet many families miss the forest for the trees. They lose the gift of doing life together, and their love for God becomes too passive to replicate.
The third important piece of our family culture is that we intentionally champion one another. Our family is a micro version of the Kingdom of God. The world is a big, beautiful place… until it isn’t. Home is a safe place because we have cultivated empathy. You will not be mocked or ignored here. When possible, we collaborate to help one another succeed, and when that happens, we celebrate together. Social complications, term papers due at midnight, sickness, computer problems—it is all hands on deck when someone is struggling.
This is a missing component in many of our families of origin, but what joy to create a better culture together. Our introverted, goal-oriented son recently told us he was leading youth Bible study, but only after making us promise to not make a big deal.
To quote one of our favorite bands, Mumford & Sons: “But when we run, we run together. When we’re apart, we fall apart.”
On that note, birthdays are a very big deal in our family because they are an opportunity to highlight what each person adds to this family. We have homemade banners, special meals, and a week of silly traditions like cans of whipped cream.
As our 25th anniversary approaches, I don’t take any of this lightly. I have more hindsight on our mistakes and more clarity for our future. Our family is still being built by grace, and by one choice at a time. We are grateful.
Here is the challenge I leave you with. Every family is becoming something. Set your family culture on purpose. Don’t let passivity determine the outcome. Remember the Oaks of Righteousness versus those Escaping Through the Flames.
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