Female Friendships in My 40s: Choosing Quality Over Quantity

Women in their 40s will agree with me, I think, that this decade is all about change. Launching kids, career transitions, shifts in our health. All of it impacts the quality of our friendships, both what we offer and what we need. My friendships definitely look different than they did in my 30s. They evolved even more this year.

During our annual January family getaway, I take a personal inventory. How did I live last year compared to my goals? What progress can I celebrate? What still belongs on my priority list, and what alarm bells are going off? I reflect, journal, and pray. God is very much a part of this process. He is the Shepherd who leads beside quiet waters, if only I slow down and listen.

Quantity in friendships

This year, I reflected on two friendships that felt increasingly one-sided. I did all the giving and initiating, with very little reciprocated. It was painful to finally acknowledge. One simply drifted as our lives took different paths. I feel no anger or rejection, even though I miss her. The other is harder to explain, so I won’t. In any case, it was a failing venture.

Around that same time, I had a dream that a different friend died suddenly. In the dream, I was devastated. I woke up with the feeling still sitting heavy in my gut. It struck me that I wasn’t sure she knew how valuable she is to me.

My word for 2026 is PIVOT, and it is centered on friendships. I want quality over quantity. Not a wide circle, but a meaningful one. My priority is to reciprocate love (read: time, attention, energy) to the friends who make themselves available, who notice me. They make me feel seen, and I want them to know it matters.

Here was my experiment this spring: In those two friendships, I stopped initiating and only reciprocated. I matched the energy given to me. The result? From one friend, silence. From the other, a short Marco Polo message and a birthday text. I responded to both, true to my promise. That was the extent of it, unfortunately. I mourn those friendships. I love these women, and they are welcome in my circle anytime.

Quality in friendships

This pivot has been a positive change. I’ve started noticing new women at church and work events that I want to befriend. A few new friendships are beginning to take shape. My energy has also surged. Because of one hard decision, I’m more available for deeper connection. I even called the friend from my dream to tell her how much she means to me.

In April, I had outpatient surgery and was ordered to rest. If you know me at all, you know staying still is hard. I’m probably the only patient who has ever called Dr. Wang to negotiate a different recovery plan. (Spoiler: she laughed.) The gift in that month was this: four friends showed up for me in meaningful ways. They came over for coffee, brought dinner, overlooked the messy house and my questionable attire. With them, I don’t have to worry. Four wasn’t a swarm, but it is priceless.

Isn’t that friendship in a nutshell? The people who make us feel seen, who sit with us in the storm and help carry the weight. Robin Dunbar, a fellow sociologist, proposed the Dunbar number, the max number of meaningful relationships we can maintain. This completely fascinates me. He broke the number down into increasingly tighter circles, like the electrons in an atom. The innermost circle? About five people. These are the five who show up in crisis, hold our hair back while we puke, handle our darkest failings.  The next circle is 15; these people are still very close and reliable. This is really affirming news! The total number is 150. People who, basically, “you would not feel embarrassed about joining uninvited for a drink if you happened to bump into them in a bar.” To put my pivot in perspective with Dunbar, I’m not losing any friends; I’m allowing them to move to outer orbits.

Love is time, attention, and energy

When it comes to my friendships, I know I am usually going to be the organizer. I am the one with the calendar, the group text, the tickets. I used to be insecure about this, like, “doesn’t anyone else care as much?” In my 40’s I have made peace with it. I enjoy creating space for people to gather. It’s something I bring to my friendships. And I’m grateful for the friends who say yes, who show up for concerts, beach days, shared meals, and rainy afternoon coffee.

Another factor is that I’m simply less busy than many of my friends. Years ago, we read Addicted to Busy and left the culty church. Steve and I made small, firm decisions that impact our family schedule to this day. We fired obnoxious clients, downsized our expenses, and curated our time commitments with radical intentionality. The result is that I still maintain wider margins in my schedule. I am also energized by being social, while not all of my friends are. Where are my fellow extroverts? Each friend carries different needs, capacities, and expectations. Patience and understanding are part of how I love them well.

Hollar back

I would love to hear about your friendships. Are they evolving in your 40s too, or is it just me? Is making friends hard for you? Do we even need more friends at this stage?

I don’t think I’ll ever stop investing in friendship. Life keeps changing, and so do we. This is my quiet toast of gratitude to the women who make my life rich. May your circle be full, and may your love be returned.