1. We are slow to be angry and quick to say sorry. 

We always use please, thank you, and all other kind and gentle words.

2. We speak truth because lies damage our relationships.

3. We behave like “you are more important than me.” 

We know adults deserve special honor.  We know family = treasure.

4. We know our parents want us safe. We ask before we go anywhere. 

We don’t keep secrets. We share about our day.

5. We act like Brendtros  and children of God wherever we are, to bring honor to both names.

6. We know our parents look for ways to bless us and we look for ways to bless others. 

7. We are careful with things, no matter who owns it. We ask to borrow. We choose to share. 

We enjoy tidy spaces and we clean up after ourselves

8. We are happy to be in a healthy house. 

We ask for snacks, eat what is offered, say thanks, clean up, and don’t dally.   

9. We do what we are told. We do it fast.

We don’t argue or whine. We know no means no.

10. We brush, bathe and get beautiful without reminders.

We love being clean and ready on time.

If you know me, you know I am very competitive. The possibility of beating a perceived challenge is pure motivation. So today is our 21st wedding anniversary and — DRUMROLL PLEASE — according to the statistics, Steve and I are marriage champions! The average American wedding ends in divorce in a mere 8.2 years (or weirdly, 12.2 if you’re a New Yorker).

All joking aside, this dismal statistic causes a swell of sorrow. We cannot imagine what our lives would be if we had checked out at year 8; we would have missed the most outstanding parts! If I sound overly optimistic or traditional, it’s only because holding on to this relationship has enriched the quality of life. That said, we had a fight this summer that felt monumental.  It was immensely frustrating and took a solid week to negotiate. I found myself wishing that we were all much franker about what it takes to remain married —  joyfully, without killing each other. For this reason, I am highlighting 5 traits that make our marriage robust for two decades and counting.

A whole lifetime ago, I was a yes woman. My commitment button was stuck on auto. Nothing made me hesitate; everything sounded like a worthy cause. Pick up a mentally ill church member from the hospital, take a meal to a stranger who had just had a baby, lead a team at the homeless shelter – why sure, I’d love to. I was a volunteer organizer’s dream.

Why would anyone do that to themselves, especially a mother with her own family to care for? Well for one, I was raised that way. My parents did not demonstrate boundaries; they never granted themselves permission to prioritize their own family first. Some people are raised in the church but I was raised by the church. We literally had a saying, “If the doors are open, we are there.” I can’t recall how many special events my siblings and I either missed or attended all alone because of a church conflict. Now that I am a parent, this makes my heart sad. But back then, I avoided thinking about what I needed or deserved because it felt selfish and shameful.

Shortly before our son, Addison, turned 13, our normally peaceful, joyful home got upended. We wondered, “What happened to our sweet boy?” In place of kind and easy-going Addison we saw a shockingly disrespectful kid who angrily responded to simple commands with stubborn argumentativeness. After “discussions” where only the parental side was allowed to speak, Addison insisted on having the last word.

On vacation this past summer, it all came to a head. We scored the perfect Asheville Airbnb and prepped for a day of mountain biking adventures. Unexpectedly, a new fight broke out between us and Addison. As these things so often go, I cannot remember what precipitated it. We could not see eye to eye. Our son’s disrespect seemed off the charts, but he refused to bend. Meanwhile, our daughter Adrienne looked positively ill in the volatile atmosphere. The dynamics at play that awful morning reminded me, for the first time ever, of my own family of origin. I hated myself for it. This was the final straw.

According to a 2016 LifeWay Research survey of Americans who attend a Protestant church regularly, 32% read the Bible daily and 27% read it a few times per week. 12% read it once a week and 11% a few times a month, while 5% read it just once a month. 12% admit they rarely or never read their Bible. I am part of the majority now, but reading my Bible hasn’t always been a priority in my life. Honestly, I am an underachiever and if it’s not fun, I likely won’t do it. But I am telling you the truth when I say the 5-30  minutes I invest in reading most mornings are truly precious to me. Read on; I’ll provide my top 5 reasons why and the backstory on each one.

Reason #1. Pizza

We’re vegetarian. Why is there meat on this?

My favorite pizza is Papa John’s. The sauce, the chewy crust, the hot pepper in every box… yum! But suppose they hire a new guy and set him loose in the kitchen with no training manual. The product he turns out, even packaged in a pizza box with the right logo, will not be a Papa John’s Pizza. I know this is a cheesy analogy (no pun intended), but let me explain why it works.

Loneliness. I’d rather not admit to knowing anything about it. But the truth is, I do. Did you know that a recent study finds loneliness to be as detrimental as smoking a half pack of cigarettes a day? Right now, while I am not in its clutches, I want to write out the tricks I have learned for besting this beast.

Loneliness and I go way back. I first ran into it as a latch key kid in a ridiculously small town. We moved there from the outside, strike 1. We went to the weird church, strike 2. I was neither athletic nor musical; neither hilarious nor gregarious– strike 3. I managed okay… except when I didn’t. I felt like loneliness was always silently at my heels, even in a crowd of friends.

When Steve and I were shopping for our first house, our goal was to find a fixer-upper that would help us gain extra equity. Our quest led us to some pretty shady properties. Luckily, our Realtor Cristie was an expert at narrowing the hunt, plus she had a great sense of humor.

That first week, we toured a home with cigarette burns on the counters and an on-going pot smoking party in the basement, complete with a giant, glittery unicorn mural. As Cristie herded us out the door, the wife urged us to slow down and see the upstairs. “Thanks,” Cristie quipped, “but we’re looking for something real specific.” We three exploded with laughter the minute the car doors slammed. Her line has stuck with us and became a private joke.

Reflecting on my single years, that line comes to mind. I was definitely looking for something “real specific.” I knew I would probably become a mother and that my choice had to be perspicacious. This Father’s Day, I want to praise the man in our family. Here are 5 specifics that make a world-class father:

Many of you follow Life of the Family because you know us personally, or you share our desire to build a connected family. Over the past year, we’ve shared bits and pieces of our story on this blog. We’ve tried to be so careful, because our goal isn’t to cast blame or cause hurt. In fact, sometimes we stay silent for a while, to rest and process while our story continues to bloom. We only ever write out of a place of joy.

Recently, we were in the Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico, where few go to vacation. We spent two weeks exploring all the Mayan ruins and strolling on nearly empty beaches. Each afternoon, the wind and waves are so loud that they drown out all other sound. I found myself on these long walks along the shore, talking to God. I unzipped my whole bag of questions and really opened up my heart to hear Him answer. It ended up being pretty loud and emotional. (Probably a couple Canadian tourists will never forget that one crazy lady.) But it was amazing! There’s something powerful about pouring out your guts, no holds barred, to the One who created it all.

Four years ago, our family life was much different than it is today. We lived as though we had an obligation to stay Addicted to Busy, with Adrienne and Addison in tow. It gradually took its toll, until our family was in a lurch. So, we took stock and resolved to back out of over-commitment and anything that felt hectic. We made purposeful steps to define our vision and direction once again. Here is the 5 most brilliantly impacted areas of our lifestyle.

Melissa and I talked about writing a blog to publish on January 1st, to share some ideas for resolutions that you might consider. But alas, we are different – eccentric as we like to say – and so we publish this more than a week after beginning our year, with an entirely different intent. We aim to put resolve into your New Year’s resolutions.